Horrifying if literal: a handbag
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Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Dietest Coke
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming