Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
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She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
fired
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*