Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
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It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.