If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
You Might Also Like
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Butt weight. There’s more!
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
A woman drives into a bar.
Autocorrect completely socks
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.