Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
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Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir