I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
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I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.