“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
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Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
What the hell happened here.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place