Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
ACED my prostate exam!
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.