Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.

*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?

me: with ease

6 month checkup…

Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

ME: *making lightsaber noises*

COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

Merica.