the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
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Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Meme Monday.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
*puts cutlery down*