Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

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[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty


[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”


Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies


Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human


3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then


one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert


Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang


Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50


If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.