Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
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Netflix and awkward silence?
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Harsh but fair
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
why no one uses midhusbands
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules