Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
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One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
mentally somewhere in italy
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose