ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
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Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
same bro
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”