What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
You Might Also Like
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.