A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
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I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
#oldknees
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy