When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
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I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.