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Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.