[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
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*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL