Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
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No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it