so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
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Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Me, flirting😏
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.