*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
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My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
This makes total sense…
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee