*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
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Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I’m tired tomorrow.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Don’t forget to tip your server
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
How can I say no to this ?
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what