“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
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*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers