The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
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ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’