*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
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Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure