The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

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*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter


Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.


*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*


4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.


Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.


Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha


Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.


DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops


DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini



Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure