I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
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Risking my life for fun.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I need a headline like this
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.