Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
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Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?