As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
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I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Jesus steals the winter solstice
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”