[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute