Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.

Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

every college guy’s fridge

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

Nomnomnomnom

Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!