Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
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Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
every college guy’s fridge
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times