Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
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SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Interior design 👌
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,
I’m a terrible gardener.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.