i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
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It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*