If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
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I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
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My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
The Sun
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[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
me after eating Cheetos
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The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…