If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
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Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking