me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
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What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.