The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
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[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”