Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
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Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
u spoke cat all this time??????
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
The struggle is real.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
sugar glider wrangler
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
my one true gender
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.