Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
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“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I’m not proud
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.