Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
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A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol