I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
You Might Also Like
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well