Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
hey, alexa
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me