i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
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all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.