Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
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Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Lmao 🤣
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Wait a second…
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.