@Opiyow
@Dishy2101 Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
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@Dishy2101 
@MinedOvaMatter A drum solo but on your face.
@MarfSalvador [My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
@shivillex Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
@XplodingUnicorn My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
@countrybredred I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
@Kadayo_Takamini Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
@SkinnerSteven [street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
@squirrel74wkgn My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
@NicCageMatch Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?