@Opiyow

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

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@Dishy2101

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

@MarfSalvador

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

@shivillex

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

@XplodingUnicorn

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

@Kadayo_Takamini

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

@SkinnerSteven

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

@squirrel74wkgn

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

@NicCageMatch

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?