Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
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[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho