Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

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Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.


[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died


Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..


My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.


Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.


ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”


My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.


Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?