I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
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Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.