My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
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Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it