Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
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“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Don’t touch that.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.