“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
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me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Every BBC series about the universe.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
i wish we could shoplift online
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.