Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

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*sees any 3 stars in a row*

“that’s orion’s belt”


It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.


People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.


My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.


Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.


Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.


Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime


My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.


Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv