Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
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[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
no regrets
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought