her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
You Might Also Like
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
“That’s what” – She
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
how it started vs how it ended
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.