Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
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[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off