Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
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I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
This meal prepping shit is easy
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
A ghost story
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
my fav colour is also hitler
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.