Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
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my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
He a real one for that
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.