As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
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I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!