“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
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I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through